Mistake

Just a quick background on my sleeping habits, generally when I am trying t fall asleep I can’t have it be quiet, I have to have some sort of noise (usually music or the TV). Normally I just put it on a sleep timer so it will turn off after a certain amount of time, wither or not I am asleep. Well, last night I made a mistake. I didn’t change the channel from Discovery Health Channel (http://health.discovery.com/ ). Now that doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, who would get hooked on a program that was showing on DHC? The answer…. I did. It was a show called Unlocking Autism, and it followed three different stories of people with autism from a young boy, to teens, to a family where all six children have some form of Autism. This got me thinking, never something that promotes sleep but I ended up watching the entire segment and reflecting on how it impacts my life.

Many people who read this will question that statement, “impact my life?” what is she talking about. With that I have to blame my parents for that question but I think it is a blame that they are ok taking. I am referring to my younger brother, D. I don’t know all the health and scientific terms or dates behind it all but when he was younger he was diagnosed with a form of Autism (don’t ask me which) but you never really would know it with how my parents acted. Growing up I never really questioned anything about my brother, sure he didn’t like loud noises… let me rephrase that he HATED loud noises and would always freak out around them, unless he was the one making the noise. He always seemed to have his hands in his face when he got excited about something and he played better by himself sometimes. To me that was normal, I was the big sister so I defended him when others made fun of him or questioned what he was doing. I got mad at him when he didn’t listen to me, or took something of mine without asking and tolerated getting told my Grandma S that I was being too hard on him.

It wasn’t till later and sometimes even now looking back on things I realized how different life could have been for both of us. My parents raised us to respect authority figures and to follow the rules. At home we knew what the roles were in public and private (even if it did take D longer for some rules to sink in). We traveled multiple times a year, as often as we could, often taking at least one road trip to California with stops along the way (a strongly recommend Death Valley in mid-June or July) and ran around in our neighborhood with the kids having parties and campouts whenever we could find a reason. Never once did they tell D and me that we couldn’t do anything(assuming want we wanted to do wasn’t dangerous or against the law), we were always told to try new things from Odyssey of the Mind (http://www.odysseyofthemind.com/ ), to all the soccer games and tee ball games my parents had to sit through. With that I think people forgot that D wasn’t a “typical” child and so because my parents expected more from us, other people did as well and didn’t always understand when he did not perform to their standards.

I think one of the benefits that D had was from our “second” family, our neighbors across the street. Not only did he get things enforced (enforced seems like a harsh word but can’t think of another to imply all the life lessons that we were taught) at home but they backed the same things that my parents wanted at their house. Not only that but the two boys (G and M) became big brothers to D as well. Another positive influence in his life, I sometimes wonder how much they prevented from happening to him because they were around when I wasn’t. In a since I hope they gave him the things that as I as sister couldn’t give just because they were guys. As much as I’m sure that he disliked some of the things the 3 of us forced him to put up with I hope they helped him feel as if he belonged and we do care for him.

I talked about how other people didn’t always remember that D wasn’t typical I know I am guilty of the same problem. I don’t know how many times I said something over and over again and I never quite got why it wasn’t sinking in when I understood it easily. Or why after telling him over and over for 30min what time we were leaving he would never be ready nor understand the social impactions of being on time, which to me someone who hates being late to things was always a frustration. I think now I am just finally coming to grasp that he just thinks differently and on a different level. D is perfectly happy playing with younger kids and if it weren’t for some of the lack of “older” thinking that is need for a babysitter I think he would be wonderful at it, I loved taking him with me because he would always play really well leaving me free to make lunch or something like that. He never seems to have a problem playing by himself either; he creates this storylines in his head that he carries on for hours something I wish I could do times. The world he creates is his own. He doesn’t worry about the thoughts of those around him, he knows he wants to meet Hannah Montana, go to college and buy a house near the beach. It doesn’t bother him that he plays by himself, he knows that his family loves him and that is all he needs; sometimes I envoy that in him especially in a world when it is all about who you know and how you look.

As we get older I often wonder what life has in store for us. Looking back on my first year of college this is the first time I feel like I have been only responsible for myself. I know that sounds weird because I am not a mother but it is the first time since my brother was born where I didn’t feel responsible for him all the time. Now my mom will say (as well as D) I am not his mom, I don’t need to feel responsible for him but yeah I did and still do. The only difference now is I am not home now to watch out for him. Something about being the older sibling seems to come with this idea that you watch out for your younger brother, the “yes I pick on him but I am his sister and the only one allowed to do it” mentality. Now I am not there anymore and it is a weird feeling to think about; especially given the fact that he is starting high school next year, something I know he is looking forward to but it makes me stop and wonder what events will he face that I won’t be there with him for. Maybe it’s a good thing; make him step out into the world on his own more but at the same time I wonder how he will do.

I walked the same halls and sat in the same rooms but I know our experiences are going to be on opposite ends of the spectrum. Not wanting to brag but I could be considered a “success” story (I don’t want to say success stories but that is what it could be called). Honors and AP classes, over a 4.0 GPA, on the yearbook staff and swam for all four years (and two years on club) and I was an active member of my CAP squadron (http://www.gocivilairpatrol.com/html/index.htm ). I am now attending a private university on a NRTOC scholarship (https://www.nrotc.navy.mil/ ). Where will D fit? He is a brilliant kid when he wants to be but will my impact at the school have an effect on him as well? Will the classic comparison game between students who are siblings come in or will he escape that fate?
Maybe I am looking into this to hard but it’s hard not to when you look at statistics that say 1 in 150 births are of a child on the spectrum (https://www.autism-society.org/ ). Yet, society as a whole doesn’t know how to react to this growing percent of our population. So while D is like so many boys his age, he does have his differences and my question is when will society take these in to account?

So my mistake I made last night really wasn’t that big of a mistake but more of a spark to a lot of thought. A spark that lit a fire that can’t be put out nor should it.